Quote by Pat Cooper:

When my mother would make me sandwiches for school - zucchini and eggs, pepper and eggs, everything was with eggs - the oil would drip out of the bag. She didn't care if I lost the sandwich - she wanted that brown bag back. She used to give me artichoke sandwiches. You have no idea how embarrassing it is to sit in the schoolyard eating an artichoke with a piece of bread. A lot of kids didn't know what it was, they'd say, "Look at that guy eating flowers!"


Quotes by other comedians

If I could go back and talk to the "me" who was just starting to do comedy, I would have told myself to relax and not worry about things happening right away. That’s a mistake a lot of people make - they think a year is a long time and it’s really not.

If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn't it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may?

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked “Fragile,” they throw it underhand.

I’m not trying to catch the right formula and do that every night. That’s not fun for me. It’s all about spontaneity.

This year, I'm celebratedp our independence the old fashioned way: I made fun of fatties at the water park.