I used to walk into a party and scan the room for attractive women. Now I look for women to hold my baby so I can eat potato salad sitting down.
Quote by Paul Reiser:
Quotes by other comedians
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Three times in ten years of comedy I've pulled my dick out or gone on stage naked, and it was appropriate at the time.
No one smokes because they like the way it tastes. If we did, they'd make cigarette-flavored cookies, candy, ice cream. "What is this? Marlboro fudge with nuts? Give me a scoop of that, willya? She's gonna have the Menthol Swirl with the Camel chip."
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
It doesn't matter how big the warnings on the cigarettes are; you could have a black pack, with a skull and crossbones on the front, called tumors, and smokers would be around the block going, "I can't wait to get my hands on these fucking things! I bet ya get a tumor as soon as you light up!"