Hell yeah, I still wear zoot suits on stage!!! I don’t care that they went out of style in the 30s and that I went out of style in the 80s. Look at it like this: You know how Gallagher smashes watermelons and Larry the Cable Guy says ‘Get Er Done’ and Bill Hicks deconstructs society and enlightens people with the truth in a deeply hilarious way? Well, I wear horrendous looking outfits on stage. That’s my thing. And, dare I say, it’s worked out pretty damn well for me. Everybody in the world used to know who I was twenty five years ago. And that’s due in large part to the dalmatian neckties and the piano key neckties I would wear. Neck wear actually made me a legend! How many people can say that or would even want to say that? Not many. Tucker Carlson, maybe…
Quote by Paula Poundstone:
Quotes by other comedians
Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?
Santa blows all these shipping companies away. He delivers more than 2 billion packages in just 24 hours. He does it by sleigh. He doesn’t use tracking numbers and doesn’t use trucks. He just uses midgets and a giant bag.
Thanks for the shortest month, asses - and the coldest.
For me, the best Valentine’s Day gifts don’t cost anything because they come straight from the heart. That’s why I composed a special Valentine’s Day poem for you, my audience. “Roses are red, love’s but a fable. I’m really sorry you can’t afford cable.”
Whoever said "life without love isn't worth living" didn't own an iPhone. These things are great.