Quote by Phyllis Diller:

Money's scarce, Times are hard, Here's your fucking Xmas card.

Comedian
Short bio
Phyllis Ada Diller was an American actress and comedienne, best known for her eccentric stage persona, her self-deprecating humor, her wild hair and clothes, and her exaggerated, cackling laugh.

All quotes by Phyllis Diller

Quotes by other comedians

Benadryl - the seven-dollar babysitter.

An easy way to sound like a creep is to add the word ‘ladies’ to the end of things you say. It can be harmless too, but it just makes you a creep. ‘Yeah after college I spent two years in the peace corps, ladies?’ The more harmless it is, the more of a creep you become. ‘I broke my arm. I need help, ladies?’

They travel in groups. You never see an Asian by their self.

First I get my name in the phone book and now I’m on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book.

He's been on vacation for a year and month. Captain Kirk never left the helm when the Enterprise was under attack.