If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
Quote by Phyllis Diller:
Quotes by other comedians
You ever pull out money too big in front of a homeless dude? You're like, 'Let me give you some - oh, shit.' He like, 'Give me that $100.' 'No, here's some pennies.'
According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They’ve been reading my email.
People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.