Quote by Phyllis Diller:

If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

Comedian
Short bio
Phyllis Ada Diller was an American actress and comedienne, best known for her eccentric stage persona, her self-deprecating humor, her wild hair and clothes, and her exaggerated, cackling laugh.

All quotes by Phyllis Diller

Quotes by other comedians

You ever pull out money too big in front of a homeless dude? You're like, 'Let me give you some - oh, shit.' He like, 'Give me that $100.' 'No, here's some pennies.'

According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They’ve been reading my email.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.