Quote by Richard Jeni:

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.

Comedian
Short bio
Richard John Colangelo, better known by the stage name of Richard Jeni, was an American stand-up comedian and actor.

All quotes by Richard Jeni

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That’s all they can say about me, is “fat motherfucker”, that’s it! People kill me. “Fat motherfucker.” And people that don’t like fat people, quit calling us “fat motherfucker”, ‘cause that don’t bother us, you understand what I’m sayin’? Lady called me that the other day, “ya fat muthafucka!” I don’t give a damn! You wanna make me mad, tell me Popeye’s Chicken goin’ out of business. Nigga, I set this theater on fire!

You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.

When I'm late it matters, but when everybody else is late it doesn't matter... If that's the rule then just write it down and then I know, you know... I'll read it and I'll write it down on my balls. Right here. Right here on the back of my balls is where I'll write it. On the very back. I'll just lift them and write it nicely.

I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.

You know what they should call this war - Son of Bush vs. Son of a Bitch.