Quote by Robert Schimmel:

Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids? Wouldn't it make more sense if it was the other way around? But if that was true, then a proctologist would be an astronaut.

Comedian
Short bio
Robert George Schimmel was an American stand-up comedian who was known for his blue comedy. While the extremely profane nature of his act limited his commercial appeal, he had a reputation as a "comic's comic" due to his relentless touring, comedy albums and frequent appearances on HBO and The Howard Stern Show.

All quotes by Robert Schimmel

Quotes by other comedians

When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die.

Eggnog, who thought that one up? “I wanna get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes.” You know what eggnog really is. You’re not gonna want to hear it, but I’ll tell ya. It’s elf cum. You might as well pour it down your back and slap your self on the ass.

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.

So … uh … I'd better explain the tits. Um … didn't have those at school. Wanted to, but not in the school curriculum … even though I asked.

Jokes that make me laugh out loud when I write them almost always bomb. I have no idea why.