Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
Quote by Rodney Dangerfield:
Quotes by other comedians
President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.
My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.
Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.
If I had my entire life to live over, I doubt if I’d have the strength.
I was in the pharmacy. They have two ply condoms now, for real. Two ply... a guy turns to me. He goes, “Hey, do you think I should go for the two ply or the regular?” I was like, “Hey, if you’re even thinking two ply... Maybe you shouldn’t fuck her.”