Quote by Rodney Dangerfield:

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

Comedian
Short bio
Jack Roy, popularly known by the stage name Rodney Dangerfield, was an American stand-up comedian, actor, producer, screenwriter, musician and author. He was known for his self-deprecating one-liner humor, his catchphrase "I get no respect!" and his monologues on that theme.

All quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

Quotes by other comedians

President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.

My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.

Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.

If I had my entire life to live over, I doubt if I’d have the strength.

I was in the pharmacy. They have two ply condoms now, for real. Two ply... a guy turns to me. He goes, “Hey, do you think I should go for the two ply or the regular?” I was like, “Hey, if you’re even thinking two ply... Maybe you shouldn’t fuck her.”