Stand-Up Comedy Quotes and Jokes

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 16192)

#391

I have to wear a hat even indoors and flashes in particular freak me out. I even have to make them turn down the lights in the make-up trailers. I've become such a pain in the butt with this light-sensitive thing, it's a wonder they don't just shoot me.

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#392

The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.

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#393

When I was in high school I experimented sexually. The experiment was to never have sex with anybody no matter how hard I tried. Success! Hypothesis confirmed.

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#394

I like rock, paper, scissors - two-thirds. Rock breaks scissors: these scissors are bent, they're destroyed, I can't cut stuff - I lose. Scissor cuts paper: this is strips, this is not even paper, this can take me forever to put this back together - you got me. Paper covers rock: rock is fine, no structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point, just say the word. Paper sucks. It should be rock, dynamite with a cuttable wick, scissors.

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#395

My favorite president, John F. Kennedy. Charming guy, great president. Fucked Marilyn Monroe. President of the United States and fucked Marilyn Monroe. What do you want?! I know some people give him shit about that, yeah like you wouldn't have. No you'd have been too busy studying the Bill of Rights and the Constitution. Yeah you wouldn't have wanted a piece of Marilyn, not you, no. Yeah you're too patriotic, fuck you, you'd have done her. You'd have been just like JFK. You'd have been there in the Oval Office, Marilyn across the desk, your dick up her ass, lookin' out at the Washington Monument going: "You know, it doesn't get much better than this, does it? President of the United States. Dick in Marilyn Monroe. My finger on the fucking button telling the fucking Russians to get their missiles out of Cuba in twelve hours. It doesn't get better than this."

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#396

No one wants to get their ass beat to a soundtrack.

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#397

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.

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#398

The definition of indecent – when it’s in long, and it’s in hard, and it’s in deep – it’s in decent.

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#399

Women have two orgasms, the real ones and the ones they make up on their own. And I can give you the male point of view on this, which is: we're fine with it. You do whatever you have to do, and we'll do whatever we have to. ...To a man, sex is like a car accident anyway, and trying to determine a female orgasm is like asking, "What did you see after the car went out of control?" "Well, there were a lot of screeching noises, I was facing the wrong way at one point, and in the end, my body was thrown clear."

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#400

Why don't you climb down off the cross, take the wood to build a bridge, and get over it!

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#401

How do you think jail was?! I got face raped by a woman... and I think I may have liked it.

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#402

I love your eyes and their bluish, brownish, greenish color.

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#403

One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.

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#404

People say I'm into black women. Robert De Niro is into black women. I'm just into women who are real, and they happen to be black.

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#405

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.

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