Stand-Up Comedy Quotes and Jokes

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 16192)

#61

"I stood on a stone fish once." "Oh yeah, how was it?" "Worst fucking pain known to man." "Have you known a lot of pain?" "Aye, I fell off my bike once."

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#62

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

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#63

Dave Chappelle was great. He's just the way he is in the wraparounds on the show. He's a really laid back guy. Just doing five skits on his show gave me enough exposure where I was able to move up a few notches, which was like night and day from where I was in this business. So I'm always thanking him.

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#64

Inventions intrigue me, I was reading about the Walkie Talkie and I read it was a military inventions, that surprised me, usually military stuff has strong names you know Apache Helicopter, Tomahawk missile. ...Walkie Talkie? How did that slip through the system? Was a general talking to some guy? "What do you have there soldier?" Well it's a new communication device that's untethered which will enable the troops to speak effectively when they're in the field. "What's it called?" Walkie Talkie. Look I'm walkie and I'm talkie. Now you walkie and talkie general. I'm walkie and talkie, are you walkie and talkie? "I like it solder, what's this explosive device?" The Wammy Kablammy and this is the Rooty Tooty Aim and Shooty.

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#65

My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn’t religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad’s head.

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#66

He has the disease of alcoholism. And he came to me... and he told me, and I'm the kind of guy that likes to look at the bright side of things. So I told him, I said, 'Richie, it's true that you have a disease and everything, but I think you got the best one.'

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#67

I do have ADD and in real life, I'm all over the place and can hardly focus. If we were talking for, for more than an hour or so, I'd start drifting off... I can't sit still too long.

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#68

You cannot pee in a Mr. Coffee and get Taster's Choice.

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#69

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

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#70

People always say I couldn’t live in California cause they love seasons too much, yeah I do too that’s why I live in a place that skips the shitty ones.

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#71

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There must be.'

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#72

“I heard this lady say “I love kids.” That’s nice, a little weird though. It’s like saying “I like people, for a little while.” “How old are you? 14? Fuck off!” You can say “I love kids” as a general statement, that’s fine. It’s when you get specific that you get in to trouble. “I love twelve-year-olds.”

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#73

I have certain rules I live by. My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me.

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#74

All these years, I thought I liked chicken cause it was delicious; but turns out, I'm genetically predisposed to liking chicken!

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#75

Suicide is kinda dumb to me. If I wanna kill myself I will. It’s not hard to die, I could do it like right now. But why is everybody pretending like everything’s ok, Everything’s not ok. We are more connected than we’ve ever been, But I feel more alone than I’ve ever been.

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