Quotes & Jokes by Drew Carey / page 2


I remember when I took a temp job... so I got a job at a department store. Something temporary to put on my resume, my parents said. Yeah... till I die!

I don't care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid.

The people of Cleveland hate soccer. But it's my favourite thing and I follow the U.S. men's national team around when they play whenever I can.

When I thought I was retired, I wanted to travel around the world and watch soccer games.

Every election I have to hold my nose to vote.

You can buy liquor in a drive-thru store, but you can't smoke a joint in your own damn house.

I was in the band when I was a kid, I played the trumpet.

My mind was a mess back then as I drove across the country. I was driving to clear my head, and all I could do was obsess on my uncertain future. It's like you're at a crap game, and on your biggest roll, the dice go in slow motion. For months, you watch them spin and roll and bounce around, waiting for them to land so you know if you're a winner or a loser. Total limbo.

I'm sorry if my friends make a bad impression, but it's an accurate one.

I loved the old stories in National Lampoon, like the original story the movie Vacation was based on. I used to laugh at them until I cried.

Listen, you don't know any better so I'll just tell you. You can't try to save money by not having the right beer. You know, you can skip having medical insurance, you can buy everything you own at a swap meet but the right beer is what makes living like this possible.

I never thought I was a libertarian until I picked up Reason magazine and realized I agree with everything they had printed.

Some people don't like competition because it makes them work harder, better.

It should be up to each bar owner and patron to decide if they want to smoke or not.

Well, you can huff... and you can puff... and... oh my god! I'm making a pig joke out of myself!