Quotes & Jokes by Felipe Esparza / page 2


I got jumped into a gang, but I never shot anybody or anything. I might have been in the car when something happened, but I was involved in the gangs just for the drugs. After a while, I just became an outcast of the gang because I just liked the drugs. I just wanted to do more drugs, anything you put in my hand.

I used to sell marijuana to my son’s mom’s new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.

My dad was one of those dads that would make me stop crying by threatening to beat me.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

Halloween is the only day I can dress up like a hot Latina woman with a beer belly.

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

When my ugly friends say shit just got ugly I want to say damn uglier?

Why go to France when you can smell the same people in coffee shops here in America.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better the audience was at heckling me. But it helped me with my joke writing.

I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.

A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.

I hate when comedians use "Performed For The Troops" as one of there credits before they go up on stage.