Quotes & Jokes by Gabriel Iglesias / page 3


When I was a kid I did impressions and funny voices a lot. When I was telling a story I would use the voices to make it more entertaining.

I'm a comedian who happens to be Latino. What's the difference? The difference is, my special will air on Comedy Central, not Telemundo.

I had to travel half way across the world to be called an American.

I'm a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.

For this being the holiday season everyone at the mall is pissed. Time to shop online.

And then I realized I was being checked out by guys! And I know they were checking me out, because they were looking at me like I look at tacos. And I thought to myself, "Oh my god, I can turn on a man! Shoot!" And I called my girlfriend, and I said, "Baby, you better not mess this up; I have options!"

You know what I learned about Hawaiians? They're just blown up Mexicans!

I found that laughter was a form of acceptance, and I really enjoyed that and I just - I crave it.

Being on TV sucks. It's a lot of work. You memorize scripts and then you show up and they change everything. I'm a control freak. When I'm doing stand-up, I say what I want and then I get instant feedback.

I'll walk up to a woman, I'll say the first thing that comes to mind: 'Hey, you hungry?'

You live by the cake, you die by the cake.

When I go to dance clubs, I always dance with big girls, so we finish at the same time.

We can choose our family. We can’t choose our relatives.

I usually travel with a posse. I roll deep. I travel like a rapper, but without the artillery. We don't carry guns, we carry cookies.

Just as I was about to get into my donuts, the cop gets to the window and says the same thing that they all say, right, "Do you know why I stopped you?" It was too easy. I looked at him and I said, "'Cause you can smell it."