Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 2

278 quotes

I can't rationalize the brilliance and knowledge that you have about the intricacies of the market with the crazy bullshit I see you do each night.

Good evening everybody, ladies, gentlemen... Felicity.

There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on "Friends" is.

To me, that's where a lot of satire lies. News used to hold itself to a higher plane and slowly it has dissolved into, well, me.

On a personal note, I'm a comedian who makes fun of what I believe to be the absurdities of our government. Make my life difficult. Make this next four years really shitty for me, so that every morning all we can do is come in and go, 'Madonna is doing some Kaballah thing, you wanna do that?' I'd like that. I'm tired.

Body hair. You know when you're swimming as a kid and you want to crawl on your dad? None of us went anywhere near him. 'My god, a beaver! Everyone out of the pool!'

The first time I got to second base, I was driving and my friend was in the backseat getting tit. I considered that scoring - the rearview mirror was just a technicality. I didn't have sex until college - and even then, it's not like the floodgates opened. When I finally had a girlfriend, she ended up scoring with the goalie of the lacrosse team, so that didn't work out.

Critics noted Schwarzenegger's only previous government experience was serving as chairman of the Council of Physical Fitness, where his only responsibility was doing hundreds of jumping jacks he was doing anyway.

If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets.

As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to be making jokes about that. Who wants to miss out on that? If the world is going to end, I want to be there the night before, goofing off.

Divorce isn’t caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness.

Maybe we should always show pictures. Bin Laden, pictures of our wounded service people, pictures of maimed innocent civilians. We can only make decisions about war if we see what war actually is - and not as a video game where bodies quickly disappear leaving behind a shiny gold coin.

They create these rules and argue about things we don't even understand. It is like watching soccer. You sit there and you're sort of amused, but most of the time you're thinking, "pick up the ball!" That's what you're thinking.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

So, is there hope for a truly democratic Africa? Long answer: Only if continent-wide improvements in education, human rights and public health are coupled with an aggressive and far-sighted debt-relief program that breaks the cycle of subsistence farming and urban squalor. Short answer: No.