Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 2

276 quotes

As a recovering addict I know resentments are trouble so I have none except resenting myself.

If I stop complaining I'll have nothing to compain about.

I’m a major hypochondriac. I won’t even masturbate anymore. I’m afraid I might give myself something.

My family wasn’t very religious. On Hanukkah, they had a menorah on a dimmer.

Most of my family were nuts. My mother gave my sister's dolls polio shots.

We ran out of classical music - that's how long this wedding went on.

New Year's Eve never made sense to me because of the fear I suddenly had about the following minute.

Happiness is fear-based.

I was prescribed an anti-biotic that had over 44 million possible side effects including a desire to kidnap.

When I was a kid at my birthday parties my mom would say, "make a death-wish and blow out the candles."

I'm a recovering alcoholic but at least I do have cough medicine on tap.

Happiness is overrated.

People judge you because they have no faith in themselves.

Sobriety worked for me but I have so much clarity now I hate myself even more.

One hip thing about being a recovering addict is I can spot assholes a mile away.