Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 2
As a recovering addict I know resentments are trouble so I have none except resenting myself.
If I stop complaining I'll have nothing to compain about.
I’m a major hypochondriac. I won’t even masturbate anymore. I’m afraid I might give myself something.
My family wasn’t very religious. On Hanukkah, they had a menorah on a dimmer.
Most of my family were nuts. My mother gave my sister's dolls polio shots.
We ran out of classical music - that's how long this wedding went on.
New Year's Eve never made sense to me because of the fear I suddenly had about the following minute.
Happiness is fear-based.
I was prescribed an anti-biotic that had over 44 million possible side effects including a desire to kidnap.
When I was a kid at my birthday parties my mom would say, "make a death-wish and blow out the candles."
I'm a recovering alcoholic but at least I do have cough medicine on tap.
Happiness is overrated.
People judge you because they have no faith in themselves.
Sobriety worked for me but I have so much clarity now I hate myself even more.
One hip thing about being a recovering addict is I can spot assholes a mile away.