Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Money

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 57)

#1

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

1,007
#2

What’s that, son? Nah, we’re not going to church today, fuck that. It’s all a bunch of bullshit. God’s everywhere, but I gotta go down there to see him? Really? And he’s mad at me down there, and I owe you money? Go fuck yourself.

258
#3

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

243
#4

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. Buy my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

171
#5

You know why men make more money than women? Because, in the unlikely event that we're both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay - that's why I get the dollar more an hour.

122
#6

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

115
#7

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

68
#8

Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!

60
#9

The upper class: keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. The middle class: pays all of the taxes, does all of the work. The poor are there... just to scare the shit out of the middle class.

48
#10

If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.

38
#11

I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.

32
#12

It's all about money, not freedom, ya'll, okay? Nothing to do with fucking freedom. If you think you're free, try going somewhere without fucking money, okay?

30
#13

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle’s no. They’re not allowed.

28
#14

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money, watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

26
#15

My bank is the worst. They are screwing me. You know what they did to me? They're charging me money for not having enough money. Apparently, when you're broke, that costs money.

18