Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Drugs

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 57)

#1

While I was in Miami, they stole my rental car, because apparently, they didn't have enough time to load up a gun and shoot me. On the street, there was a Lexus, a BMW, and in the middle was my car; the rental car. The Plymouth Horizon. Here's a math problem for you, don't ponder it too long or your head'll explode, but how many drugs would you have to consume, in what period of time, to be on the street and go, "Well, I gotta have the Horizon! Are you kidding me? I've never driven a car that's aqua!"

259
#2

This homeless guy asked me for money the other day. I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol. And then I thought, that's what I'm going to use it on. Why am I judging this poor bastard?

257
#3

If you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, then go home and burn all your records, all your tapes, and all your CDs because every one of those artists who have made brilliant music and enhanced your lives? Real fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few songs.

213
#4

I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.

123
#5

I don't do drugs anymore... than say, the average touring funk band.

78
#6

The Beatles were so high they let Ringo sing a couple of tunes.

71
#7

Drugs are so fucking good that they'll ruin your life.

52
#8

No, I don't do drugs anymore, either. But I'll tell you something about drugs. I used to do drugs, but I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, and I know it's not a very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore, but it is the truth: I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off, and went about my day.

52
#9

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

50
#10

Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.

48
#11

The musicians today who don't do drugs and in fact speak out against it? "Rock Against Drugs?" BOY do they suck.

39
#12

If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised?

38
#13

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

34
#14

I've had good times on drugs, that's a fact. I've had bad times on drugs, too, ok? But I've had good and bad relationships... and I'm not giving up pussy.

32
#15

Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don’t smoke... tumors.

30