Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about School

Top 15 Quotes (out of 39)


When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. Buy my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.


I did a show in New Jersey in the auditorium of a technical high school. Technical high school, that's where dreams are narrowed down. We tell our children, "You can do anything you want." Their whole lives. "You can do anything!" But this place, we take kids - they're 15, they're young - and we tell them, "You can do eight things. We got it down to eight for you."


With all the classes they offer at school, how come they don’t have one for common sense?


Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken, which gave me the courage.


I grew up in the 70s, when the careers advisor used to come to school, and he used to get the kids together and say, 'Look, I advise you to get a career, what can I say? That's it.'


I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.


I think about my girlfriend's abortion whenever I pass by a school. Or the playground where she had the abortion.


Not everyone in school needs to look like a slut but there should always be one... and I enjoyed being her.


I loathed every day and regret every day I spent in school.


I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years.


I know I’m not sexy. In high school I was voted "Most Likely to Masturbate".


All boys' Catholic school is a lot like going to a regular school, except your teacher is a priest - with benefits. No, I'm kidding. I was never touched by any priest in school. Which makes me think, 'Am I not attractive?'


I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.


At school, the first page I ever learnt in French was full of things that are quite difficult to get into conversation, thinks like "The mouse is underneath the table" – "La souris est en dessous la table". Just slip that when you’re buying a ticket to Paris: "Le train à Paris, oui? C’est ici? C’est maintenant? Cinq minutes… la souris est en dessous la table…"


Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people "the cops." But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!