Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Laziness

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 18)

#1

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

641
#2

I would like to wear a diaper on days where I'm feeling lazy but... I don't. I shit my pants.

154
#3

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. Done!

51
#4

The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness.

23
#5

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

19
#6

I don’t do much. I’m too lazy. That’s my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a truck tomorrow - a big truck could hit me - paralyze me from the neck down. Wouldn’t effect my lifestyle a bit really.

16
#7

You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.

14
#8

People say pot smokers are lazy. I disagree. I am a multitasking pot smoker. Just the other day I was walking down the street. Stoned. OK, I won’t count that as two things. I was walking down the street. I was putting eye drops in my eyes. I was talking on my cellphone. And I was getting hit by a car.

11
#9

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

8
#10

Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.

4
#11

Once you start making money, you can be an ass. But I am not an ass. I'm too lazy, that takes a lot of energy.

4
#12

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, “A teaspoon before going to bed,” and in one day he uses seven bottles.

4
#13

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I’m not losing a son; I’m gaining a couch."

4
#14

Some people like to keep their grass cut really short, so they can see the intruders coming. Keep those kill zones open. I say let the grass grow tall so they don't know there's a house behind it. Some call it lazy, I say it's thinking.

3
#15

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn’t keep him awake – even when it’s hot and being spilled on him.

2