Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Cars

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 38)

#1

Roses are grey, Violets are a different shade of grey, Lets go chase cars!

2,078
#2

I blew a speaker in my car today. Yeah, he was a motivational speaker. It left a bad taste in my mouth but I feel a lot more positive.

390
#3

I used to have horrible cars that would always end up broken down on the highway. When I tried to flag someone down, nobody stopped. But if I pushed my own car, other drivers would get out and push with me. If you want help, help yourself - people like to see that.

188
#4

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

32
#5

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

24
#6

I saw one of those giant Hummer cars with handicapped tags on it. I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an asshole was technically a handicap.'

22
#7

Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

18
#8

You might be a redneck if you've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

16
#9

Cable cars are fun - everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey.

13
#10

The Aston Martin is a beautiful car. It's a work of art, I love the interior and the style of the car.

11
#11

Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.

9
#12

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.

9
#13

I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.

8
#14

All birds masturbate. Yeah, you thought that was shit on your car.

6
#15

All my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part of it is I'm driving a used car.

6