Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Friends

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 35)

#1

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.

752
#2

I, ah... this abortion issue in the States is dividing the country right in half. You know, and even amongst my friends - we're all highly intelligent - they're totally divided on the issue of abortion. Totally divided. Some of my friends think these pro-life people are just annoying idiots. Other of my friends think these pro-life people are evil fucks. How are we gonna have a consensus? I'm torn. I try and take the broad view and think of them as evil, annoying fucks.

449
#3

Sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship.

47
#4

I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.

25
#5

Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best friend, big difference. To me, a friend's a guy who will help you move. A best friend's a guy who will help you move a body. That's how I look at it.

23
#6

You ever get sick and one of your friends gives you medical advice? And they tell you that they're not a doctor - like you didn't know it?

16
#7

So all my friends have kids now... which I think is rude.

16
#8

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.

14
#9

MySpace is a great way to keep in touch with friends who you don't care enough about to actually have a conversation with, why bother calling to say "how are you," when you can just surf their page and post an mpeg of a guy farting on his cat.

5
#10

You just be honest about who you are, and if you don’t end up with any friends then good for you.

5
#11

A friend is someone I complain to about my other friends.

4
#12

In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.

4
#13

Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.

4
#14

Sure, I have friends, plenty of friends, and they all come around wantin' to borrow money. I've always been generous with my friends and family, with money, but selfish with the important stuff like love.

4
#15

Sex is important to guys. We need stories to tell our friends.

4