Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Market

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 18)

#1

I was in a fish market, and there was a little boy behind the counter, about nine, and he had a bucket of live fish. And he took one out and he put it in his mouth. All of a sudden, his mom, who I think owned the place, looked at him and said, 'What are you doing?' And to my surprise, he pointed at me and went, 'He dared me to!' His mom turns around and is like, 'Did you dare my son to put a live fish in his mouth?' 'No, first of all, if I dared your son to do something, he'd be dead. I wouldn't do a wimpy dare, like read a short story quickly. I'd have a real dare, like eat a bag of fire! Or build a time machine, jerk off in it and send it to Hitler!' That's a dare.

17
#2

My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says "It looks and tastes like real bacon!" No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like!

17
#3

If you think the stock market has a fence around it, you might be a redneck.

17
#4

If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine off the market for six days, they'd have to bring out the tanks to control you.

17
#5

I made a killing in the stock market. I shot my broker.

13
#6

The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can’t hurt us again until tomorrow.

9
#7

If the powers that be see there is a bigger market out there, it will make it easier for the next time around.

7
#8

You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.

6
#9

I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now.

4
#10

If we do have any iPhone users out there, I have incredibly great news for you. I've developed after about six months and finally perfected and it'll be out on the market soon, an app that you'll all want. It allows you to make a phone call.

3
#11

Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.

2
#12

What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.

1
#13

Manufacturers are making products kosher to get in on that market, plus more people are looking for kosher.

1
#14

If it wasn't for Abe Lincoln, I'd still be on the open market.

1
#15

Television series are like the stock market. There's room for bears and bulls but no room for pigs. If we'd tried to milk another year out of the series, we'd have wound up with a pig.

1