Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Police

Top 15 Quotes (out of 21)

#1

My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.

158
#2

I went to Zimbabwe. I know how white people feel in America now; relaxed! Cause when I heard the police car I knew they weren't coming after me!

142
#3

Women are like the police, they could have all the evidence in the world but they still want the confession.

120
#4

Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mmm..., nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe I lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!'

58
#5

Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.

35
#6

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me!

29
#7

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

28
#8

In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say "Stop, or I'll say stop again."

21
#9

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

13
#10

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people "the cops." But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

11
#11

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

9
#12

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

4
#13

It's fun to be in California. The police are kind of weird here. They ask you stupid questions. 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' Because I have pot in the glove compartment?

4
#14

My favorite people to have fun with are police officers 'cause they're so serious, you know.

3
#15

I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.

3