Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Hitler

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 31)

#1

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

683
#2

Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that. Hitler killed people next door. Oh, stupid man. After a couple of years we won't stand for that, will we?

636
#3

Hitler ended up in a ditch covered in petrol on fire... so, that's fun. And that's funny. Because he was a mass-murdering fuckhead!

122
#4

Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.

119
#5

Reading is hard. You ever try that? I read good. Goodly. But I hate when you're trying to read something and you come across the expression 'One thing led to another'. What in the hell kind of lazy writing is that? Isn't that your job as the writer to tell me how this led to that? You can just throw that in there? "Adolf Hitler was rejected as a young man on his application to art school... One thing led to another... And the United States dropped two atomic bombs on the sovereign nation of Japan." This is some pamphlet!

117
#6

Calling Angelina Jolie a husband stealer is like calling Hitler a vegetarian. It’s true, but it’s hardly the fuckin’ story, is it?

84
#7

Leadership camp? Isn't that where Hitler went?

72
#8

I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I discovered–I need a girlfriend. ‘Cause that Discovery Channel is the most boring shit I’ve ever seen in my life, and the more of it you watch, the less chance you ever have of meeting a woman, cause it fills your head full of odd facts that come out at any moment like Tourette’s Syndrome. I’m talking to a girl: “hi, how ya doin’. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? Much like the sea otter. Where are you going? Come back!”

56
#9

Pope Pius XII was meant to go and castigate Hitler for being a "Genocidal Fuckhead … with bunny rabbit ears". But he didn't, he wimped out, and for that history has renamed that Pope as "Pope Gutless Bastard I."

34
#10

Hitler really wasn't so bad. In the black way.

32
#11

Next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.

29
#12

Hitler also once tried a juice cleanse.

28
#13

I was in a fish market, and there was a little boy behind the counter, about nine, and he had a bucket of live fish. And he took one out and he put it in his mouth. All of a sudden, his mom, who I think owned the place, looked at him and said, 'What are you doing?' And to my surprise, he pointed at me and went, 'He dared me to!' His mom turns around and is like, 'Did you dare my son to put a live fish in his mouth?' 'No, first of all, if I dared your son to do something, he'd be dead. I wouldn't do a wimpy dare, like read a short story quickly. I'd have a real dare, like eat a bag of fire! Or build a time machine, jerk off in it and send it to Hitler!' That's a dare.

17
#14

Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic.

17
#15

I’m Jewish… We’re a very nervous group. Paranoid. Anxiety-ridden. Maybe that Hitler thing made us a little jumpy. Nothing like a Holocaust to make you mind your Ps and Qs for a couple hundred years I always say.

16