Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Celebrities

Top 15 Quotes (out of 27)

#1

Some guy workin’ at Home Depot, he wants to fuck just as many women as a celebrity. But he can’t do it, because whores don’t care about lumber.

390
#2

I don’t understand the problem with paroling Charles Manson? I say set him free and let him get on with his work. I have a long list of celebrities I’d be glad to share with him.

197
#3

I've let chicks think I'm another celebrity just to get laid, just to get any sex. I wish I had a dime for every time in the '90s a chick left New York City thinking she fucked Newman from "Seinfeld".

41
#4

Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco.

13
#5

I didn't go to college at all, any college, and I'm not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at me, I'm a huge celebrity.

12
#6

I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one that isn't famous. Which sucks sometimes, you know what I mean, sometimes I don't want all that glitz and glamour, I just want something delicious, you know? I don't need a celebrity in my mouth, "Ray's Up And Coming Pizza" would be fine.

7
#7

I have this dream life where I get to be a celebrity but I get to navigate the world fairly easily because I'm always in character.

7
#8

Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.

7
#9

This country is a big bloated celebrity that thinks it doesn't have to pay the cover charge.

5
#10

Oprah didn't just bring herself, she brought her celebrity friends, because when Oprah says, "Jump," they say, "Which couch?"

5
#11

Celebrities are just normal, screwed up people like everyone else who just don't know who you are. You're just as important.

5
#12

My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It's really sad, because that's what my show is all about, what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything.

4
#13

The term 'celebrity' makes my skin crawl.

4
#14

Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George Michael. If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.

4
#15

Being a celebrity, I don't even have to talk.

4