Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Baseball

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 40)

#1

Yeah we’re not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I’ve heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend.

130
#2

Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken, which gave me the courage.

93
#3

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

57
#4

You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down!

37
#5

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, "Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and yelling, "You want a piece of me?"

33
#6

Bill Gates has 90 billion dollars. If I had 90 billion dollars, I wouldn't have it for long because I would just dream of all the crazy stuff I could do with it. This guy, 90 billion dollars. He could buy every baseball team and make them all wear dresses and still have 88 billion dollars.

32
#7

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

31
#8

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

29
#9

"Losing builds character." You know who said that? A loser! Guy who got his ass stomped every day, basketball, football, baseball, lose, lose, lose and lose. All right, I'm talking about me.

24
#10

Everyone has an enemy. It’s why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

24
#11

Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot.

24
#12

This guy from L. A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.

22
#13

My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, "Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?"

19
#14

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror.

17
#15

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.

13