When I go to church, I can't get past the fact that I'm just listening to some fuckin' guy. Do you ever think of that shit when you go in there? That's just some dude. And people are like, 'No! That's a special guy.' No it isn't! It isn't. No, he didn't levitate down from the ceiling with this white light around him. Why would you listen to another human being tell you where you're gonna go when you die? It's just like: 'Dude, have you ever been dead? No. Great. So wouldn't it be safe to assume that you wouldn't have the slightest fuckin' idea what you're talking about? Yeah, you're making it up. You're making the shit up. You're not fooling me with the robes and the candles, speakin' in old English, 'He saideth unto you-eth'. Shut the fuck up, you don't talk like that. You're just some guy, your names Jerry, you play soccer, you got your ass kicked in gym class, and now you're doin' this.'
Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Soccer
Top 15 Quotes (out of 11)
If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.
I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash.
In 1982 I was playing soccer at William and Mary, and a kid from Randolph-Macon called me a kike. I ran after him. 'I'm not a... well, yes I am.'
They create these rules and argue about things we don't even understand. It is like watching soccer. You sit there and you're sort of amused, but most of the time you're thinking, "pick up the ball!" That's what you're thinking.
The people of Cleveland hate soccer. But it's my favourite thing and I follow the U.S. men's national team around when they play whenever I can.
My show is an adult comedy show, but it isn’t offensive. Your kids could listen to it, even though I hope they wouldn’t ‘get’ most of it. But I get a lot of fan mail from soccer moms saying ‘I love having your CD because I can listen to it with my kids in the car.’
When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.