Stand-Up Comedy Quotes and Jokes

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 16192)

#196

I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."

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#197

They have a luggage store at the airport? I mean, how late do you have to be running? Don't worry honey just grab a pile of shit... we'll get a bag at the airport!

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#198

You're gonna be the nine-toed-havingest-limpingest bitch in Harlem if you don't stop fucking with me.

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#199

Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?

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#200

Do you guys realize how fucked I am if Christianity is actually 100% correct? Do you understand about the fucking - the god damn 2 bed room suite they’re already preparing for me in hell’s fire? Do you really believe that there’s a guy in the sky? I think there is. I think, ya know - actually, I don’t. I think when you believe in that stuff, this is my own personal opinion: you’re just too dumb to figure shit out for yourself.

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#201

Wouldn't be prudent. Not gonna do it'.

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#202

Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.

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#203

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

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#204

We have white people problems in America. That's what we have, white people problems. You know what that is? That's where your life is amazing, do you just make shit up to be upset about. People in other countries have real problems. Like, "Oh, shit. They're cutting off all our heads today." Things like that. Here, we make shit up to be upset about. Like, "How come I have to choose a language on the ATM machine? It's bullshit. I shouldn't have to do that. I'm American."

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#205

Can’t we silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win and never mention his name when they lose? You never hear them say, "Jesus made me drop the ball" or, "The Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage."

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#206

Mother Goose? Yeah I fucked her.

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#207

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees, grass, flowers, the sun... that was nice...

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#208

Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids? Wouldn't it make more sense if it was the other way around? But if that was true, then a proctologist would be an astronaut.

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#209

Never trust a preacher with more than two suits.

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#210

Black guys with dirty sneakers scare the shit out of me.

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