Stand-Up Comedy Quotes and Jokes

I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."

They have a luggage store at the airport? I mean, how late do you have to be running? Don't worry honey just grab a pile of shit... we'll get a bag at the airport!

You're gonna be the nine-toed-havingest-limpingest bitch in Harlem if you don't stop fucking with me.

Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?

Do you guys realize how fucked I am if Christianity is actually 100% correct? Do you understand about the fucking - the god damn 2 bed room suite they’re already preparing for me in hell’s fire? Do you really believe that there’s a guy in the sky? I think there is. I think, ya know - actually, I don’t. I think when you believe in that stuff, this is my own personal opinion: you’re just too dumb to figure shit out for yourself.

Wouldn't be prudent. Not gonna do it'.

Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

We have white people problems in America. That's what we have, white people problems. You know what that is? That's where your life is amazing, do you just make shit up to be upset about. People in other countries have real problems. Like, "Oh, shit. They're cutting off all our heads today." Things like that. Here, we make shit up to be upset about. Like, "How come I have to choose a language on the ATM machine? It's bullshit. I shouldn't have to do that. I'm American."

Can’t we silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win and never mention his name when they lose? You never hear them say, "Jesus made me drop the ball" or, "The Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage."

Mother Goose? Yeah I fucked her.

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees, grass, flowers, the sun... that was nice...

Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids? Wouldn't it make more sense if it was the other way around? But if that was true, then a proctologist would be an astronaut.

Never trust a preacher with more than two suits.

Black guys with dirty sneakers scare the shit out of me.