Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 33
I like a bush. A nice big, hairy, stinky, smelly fucking bush. And I hate when they put cologne on it. They dummy it up with cologne like you don’t know where you are. I like that nice natural scent of salmon.
I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.
We live in a world where John Lennon was murdered, yet Barry Manilow continues to put out fucking albums. God-dammit! If you're gonna kill somebody, have some fucking taste. I'll drive you to Kenny Rogers' house.
I'm high as a kite and my teeth are green, Merry fucking Christmas!
Fuck all of you, and fuck the Liberty Bell, and shove it up Ben Franklin’s ass.
I had a 'Simpsons' and 'Everybody Hates Chris' spec and I remember thinking I was never going to hear from them again. Even after meeting with Tina, I left thinking I wasn't going to get it.
I had a cop pull me over the other day, scared me so bad, made me think I stole my own car. "Get out of the car, get out of the fucking car! You stole this car!" I was like 'damn, maybe I did!'.
I told my girlfriend I wanted to fuck her between the tits. She said: “How are you gonna make that feel good for me?” and I said: "Right before I cum, I’ll stop punching you in the face."
I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
"And tired" always followed sick. Worst beating I ever got in my life, my mother said, "I am just sick..." And I said, "and tired." I don't remember anything after that.
I drew the duck blue because I've never seen a blue duck before and, to be honest with you I wanted to see a blue duck.