Stand-Up Comedy Quotes and Jokes

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 16192)


Who do you think was better: Jesus or Buddha; I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified?


When I first heard the song "Don’t worry - be happy" I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with "Me first".


I lost my virginity junior year of college, I was 21… I was awkward, and I was raised Jehovah’s Witness so I thought sex was bad, I thought I was going to go to hell, and get AIDS immediately.


Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks!


I was born in Sinaloa, Mexico, along with two of my siblings. The rest were born here in the United States. I didn’t know we were illegal until I was in the 8th grade. We would call other kids wetbacks, but we were the real wetbacks!


I feel like my washing machine is sneaky because I put clothes in there and detergent and start it up. I hear all this noise as it’s turning around, then I open the lid to see what was going on and it’s like... "What man? We’re just hanging out in here. There’s nothing happening? Don’t worry about it. I’m a washing machine, not a show you how I do it machine."


I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.


Hey! Time for a few fart jokes! Where would a comedy show be without a few fart jokes?


Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.


It would be great when you enter the DMV, someones just hiding there comes out and punches you in the face... Well waiting in line ain't so bad after the punch in the face.


I was born when my dad was 50… It’s weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We’d go to the movies, we’re both getting discounts.


Fuck all of you, and fuck the Liberty Bell, and shove it up Ben Franklin’s ass.


Yeah we’re not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I’ve heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend.


Smoking takes ten years off your life. Well it's the ten worst years, isn't it folks? It's the ones at the end! It's the wheelchair, kidney dialysis, adult diaper fucking years. You can have those years! We don't want 'em, alright?


Sometimes when I watch porn I get my hoodie on so I feel creepier. Sometimes I get under computer so it feels like I’m spying on her.