Stand-Up Comedy Quotes and Jokes

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 16192)

#136

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.

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#137

I just broke up with my girlfriend and the reason we broke up is I caught her lying. Under another man.

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#138

Yes, I’m married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven’t even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.

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#139

Terrorists don't take black hostages. That's the truth. I have yet to see one of us on the news reading a hostage letter. Like, 'Uh... they is treating us good. Uh we are chilling and shit. I'd like to give a shout out to Ray-Ray an Big Steve and uh, send some Newports!'

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#140

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

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#141

I don't wanna die tomorrow knowing that I could have had a piece of chocolate cake tonight.

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#142

I was in Dayton, Ohio. You ever been there? Ya? You know what’s a fun thing to do there? Pack up and get the fuck outta there. It’s boring. During the day we played the game of horseshoes. That game must have been invented before fun, ‘cause it’s not. There’s only two ways for that game to end, either "This sucks let’s do something else," or "Owww, you hit me with the horseshoe."

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#143

I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May you'll always be wrong no matter what you say!

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#144

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller.

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#145

My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.

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#146

I'm not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don't have a good story behind it, I'm just reasonable.

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#147

You know the stripper myth? There's a stripper myth, that's being perpetuated throughout society. The myth is, I'm strippin' to pay my tuition. No you're not! There's no strippers in college! There's no clear heels in biology! Shit, man. I didn't know they had a college that only took one-dollar bills. And if they got so many strippers at college, how come I never got a smart lap dance? I never got a girl that sat on my lap and said, If I was you, I would diversify my portfolio. You know, ever since the end of the Cold War, I find NATO obsolete!.

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#148

I’m lookin’ at the Pop-Tarts box and I notice they have directions on there. I give up on this species… They have toaster directions, which, I’m not makin’ this up, the toaster directions are longer than one step. I don’t know how that’s possible that the directions are longer than one. You think it would be, “Step one: Toast the Pop-Tarts. Go ahead, toast ‘em. It’s okay. Hey, are you still readin’ this?”

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#149

One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like "hey, there's an asshole."

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#150

I always wanted to do a B&E. Not bacon and eggs. Although I could always go for bacon and eggs. I'm talking about breaking in and entering.

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