My fondest childhood memory is when I was twelve years old. I made out with my babysitter, Cathy. She stops in the middle of everything. “We have to stop this. I feel like such a whore.” “Why? I’m not paying you? My parents are!”
Being in a relationship is like being in A.A…. “Hi, my name is Adam and I’m a boyfriend. It’s been six months since my last decision. I felt the urge to have an opinion the other day, but thank God my sponsor came over and we sat down ‘til that feeling went away.”
Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you.
I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it - if I was hungry, I would talk about food.
I don't think it's fair - you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring. Oh, it may sound crass, but just check the color when you come home. "Hi honey. Infernal red? Oh boy, I ain't getting laid, and I gotta cut the lawn, I know it."All quotes and jokes