My fondest childhood memory is when I was twelve years old. I made out with my babysitter, Cathy. She stops in the middle of everything. “We have to stop this. I feel like such a whore.” “Why? I’m not paying you? My parents are!”
Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you.
I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.
What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why!
I woke up my pop in the middle of the night 'cause the boogie man's under my bed. My pop is this big, huge man, nothing can hurt him. I went running into his bedroom like, "Daddy, Daddy, the boogie man's under the bed!" Pop opens one eye, he's like, "Is the boogie man bigger than me?" "Well, no Daddy, he's not." "Well, you got your choice: you can deal with the boogie man or you can deal with me."All quotes and jokes