Quotes & Jokes by Adam Ferrara


I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is "If it feels good - stop."

I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date. There's no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie - just a quick sniff, "Alright, let's go."

If she gets a hot flash and walks into a cold room, she can make it rain.

The girls are beautiful in Hollywood - and enough silicon to caulk a sink.

Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: "Swear to God, man - the hooker gave the money back."

My favourite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don't know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides coloured eggs.

As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. "Goodnight, baby." "Do you think we were together in a past life?" "Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed." "Don't you feel like we're soul..."

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why!

I love my girlfriend, don't get me wrong. I truly love this woman, but I have the ability to have sex without any emotional involvement. It's a gift.

Sex is important to guys. We need stories to tell our friends.

We're all products of our parents: all your mother's traits are in the egg and all your father's traits are in the sperm. And if I know my parents, that sperm and egg had a fight.

There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.

You were an altar boy, right? No wonder you're so angry. Show me on Kiefer Sutherland where the priest touched you.

You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don't let it build up. You end up screaming at each other over something totally stupid, like, "Well, why'd you put this spoon in this drawer then?" Just to piss you off, that's why! I got spoons hidden all over this house! Keep it up, and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing.

I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.