Women like jewelry. They’re like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they’ll follow you home.
Comedy is the drug, when they laugh it's like I'm a jazz musician and they hear it, and they get it. It's power to take the crowd wherever I want them to go. I love it when they laugh, especially when they relate through laughter. It's a beautiful thing. It also means I'm going to get paid, which is nice.
I got to be funny, I can't dunk.
I was teaching airplane mechanics when I realized it was more fun to make them laugh. I was laid off one more time and I never looked back, although it was nice to have a steady paycheck and benefits.
You know who's mad at Kobe? Every other player in the NBA. You know why? 'Cause he messed around on his wife and bought her a $4 million ring. Yeah, you know what that means: that's the new minimum. 'Cause you know how women are, man. Women get upset: 'Oh, really, what's this? A $1 million ring? What - did that bitch get my $3 million, too?'All quotes and jokes