I work out with alot of gay guys at the gym. I do, because my only goal is to get into "gay shape". Now, you know what I'm talking about. Gay men are the most ripped kind of... listen... I don't know how strong you have to be to blow a guy, but I'm guessin', there is some muscle involved.
Quotes and Jokes by Alonzo Bodden
Top 15 Quotes (out of 31)
This guy asked me to go camping on vacation. Camping - that's the dumbest vacation I ever heard of in my life. What, I'm gonna work all year so I can go out and pretend I'm homeless?
I’m a black male, over 40, with no kids, living in the suburbs - they wanted to put me in a museum. Why did I move to the suburbs? I started watching Desperate Housewives. If comedy didn’t work out I can always try gardening.
I like white women. That’s why I can’t hate white men. Because we need them for breeding. Sometimes I’m hanging with the brothers, and they get a little militant on me. They’re like, “Kill Whitey!” I’m like, “Slow down. Let’s think this through now.”
A joke is either funny or it's not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh, that's what I do. I don't start a focus group to see who got hurt by the joke.
I used to be an airplane mechanic until they started drug testing. That's when I knew it was time to let that one go. And people ask me about that; they're like, 'Is that true man? Did you really do drugs?' 'Yeah.' 'Why would you do drugs?' 'They work.'
I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the "good old days". I'm black, we have no "good old days".
They sold me a duvet cover, and I don't have a duvet, I don't think. Then, they started treating me like I'm the idiot. They're like, 'Do you have a comforter?' 'Yeah.' 'Well, you have to protect it!' I had no idea it was under attack.
Black people don't hijack planes, alright? Now I'll be the first to admit, we steal a lot of stuff, but we do not hijack planes. In fact, in the history of aviation, a black person has never even attempted to hijack a plane. Do you want to know why? Because you can't sell an airplane.
There's always something that's going to kill us all. A few years ago, tomatoes were going to kill us and a few years before that it was spinach. The FDA is run by a 7-year-old kid that hates vegetables!
Latinos outnumber Black people now. I’m not too happy about it. Because it’s only a matter of time before we lose our month. Soon as they figure it out, they’re going to have Latino History Month. All we’re going to have is Cinco de Negro.
I didn’t understand NASCAR until I met some NASCAR fans. You talk to a couple of NASCAR fans and you’ll see where a shiny car driving in a circle would fascinate them all day. I can make fun of NASCAR fans because if they chase me, I just turn right.
In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening.
We had one idiot put a bomb in a shoe, and now everybody's got to take their shoes off? Where's the bra bomber at? I say, if we've gotta wait in line, let's make it fun for everybody.
You can't bring tweezers on an airplane. If I'm on a plane and you try to hijack it with tweezers, I'll whip your ass, man. You think I'm going to be late because you've got tweezers and a bad attitude?