Bernard Manning

Quotes

Tony Adams, on his first day in prison, was complaining because he wanted the walls back 12 yards.

'Seriously folks, I didn't mean that. My grandfather died at Auschwitz' - crowd goes quiet - 'Very sad. He fell out of the machine gun tower'.

I don’t believe Scots are as tight as people say, but I did hear that when two taxis collided in Glasgow recently 48 people were injured.

Two old maids on a beach, streaker ran past, one had a stroke, the other one couldn’t reach.

Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids. He said, ‘For the last time, I haven’t got your football.’

All quotes and jokes