Bernard Manning


I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.

I don’t believe Scots are as tight as people say, but I did hear that when two taxis collided in Glasgow recently 48 people were injured.

'Seriously folks, I didn't mean that. My grandfather died at Auschwitz' - crowd goes quiet - 'Very sad. He fell out of the machine gun tower'.

Tony Adams, on his first day in prison, was complaining because he wanted the walls back 12 yards.

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