Bernard Manning

Quotes

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.

I don’t believe Scots are as tight as people say, but I did hear that when two taxis collided in Glasgow recently 48 people were injured.

'Seriously folks, I didn't mean that. My grandfather died at Auschwitz' - crowd goes quiet - 'Very sad. He fell out of the machine gun tower'.

Tony Adams, on his first day in prison, was complaining because he wanted the walls back 12 yards.

All quotes and jokes