Bernard Manning

Quotes

Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids. He said, ‘For the last time, I haven’t got your football.’

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

'Seriously folks, I didn't mean that. My grandfather died at Auschwitz' - crowd goes quiet - 'Very sad. He fell out of the machine gun tower'.

I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.

I don’t believe Scots are as tight as people say, but I did hear that when two taxis collided in Glasgow recently 48 people were injured.

All quotes and jokes