Quotes & Jokes by Bernard Manning

12 quotes

If you want to drink, have a drink... if you want to drive, then drive... there's nothing worse than having a smash sober...

Man says to his wife: ‘Pack your bags, I’ve won the pools.’ She says: ‘What should I pack? Something light, something warm? Where are we going?’ He says: ‘We’re going nowhere. Just pack your bags and fuck off.’

You are what you eat.....I'm a cunt!

A Scouser went to a prostitute. She said, ‘Do you want a blow job?’ He said, ‘Will it affect me dole money?’

I went to see that Pavarotti last week and he was a right miserable git. He doesn’t like it when you join in.

Two old maids on a beach, streaker ran past, one had a stroke, the other one couldn’t reach.

Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids. He said, ‘For the last time, I haven’t got your football.’

I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.

'Seriously folks, I didn't mean that. My grandfather died at Auschwitz' - crowd goes quiet - 'Very sad. He fell out of the machine gun tower'.

Tony Adams, on his first day in prison, was complaining because he wanted the walls back 12 yards.

I don’t believe Scots are as tight as people say, but I did hear that when two taxis collided in Glasgow recently 48 people were injured.

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.