Just a tip if you have a big event to go to or an important meeting, if you cry enough your face swells up giving you a temporary "lift".
Sometimes when I’m bored, I like to people watch. And I got to a touristy area and I play this game I just made up. I call it "Lesbian or Midwestern?"
Never hit a baby, even if they start it.
If you enjoy shaming people, I suggest dentistry as a profession.
When you’re pregnant, people feel like they can come up and give you unsolicited advice. When I was nine months pregnant, this one woman came up and she said, "I have one word for you: epidural." And I was like, "Oh my God, thanks. But we already picked a name."All quotes and jokes