Is being earnest important? I always think it's kind of embarrassing.
If you really are superior, you don't go around saying you're superior - unless you're Jewish.
Sometimes when I’m bored, I like to people watch. And I got to a touristy area and I play this game I just made up. I call it "Lesbian or Midwestern?"
I know environmentalists exist, but whenever I see a guy on a bike, I don't think, 'Oh, sweet, there goes an environmentalist.' I'm always like, 'That poor sucker got a DUI.'
I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses; the whole time the guy was chewing me out, all I could think was "I should cut my bangs."All quotes and jokes