Quotes & Jokes by Bonnie McFarlane
My sister is also retarded. Across the board. She's a one hundred per cent, honest to goodness, born that way retard. I learned a long time ago that if you're going to tell a story about your retarded sister, you need to mention she's retarded right off the bat or inevitably, at the end of the story, someone will say, "What... is she, retarded?" And then you have to go, "Uh... yeah, she is." Followed by a lengthy, awkward silence.
I've been called a racist before, and let me tell you something - that is harsh. That's a really ugly thing to call someone. That's like being called a Mexican.
I don't want to brag, but I do speak Pig Latin; I mean, I'm not fluent, but I'm sure if I ever went there, I could get by.
I've always dated Jewish men, and I don't know why. What am I saying? I know exactly why that is - it's because I have a really little vagina.
I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby… because he’s Jewish and I’m Protestant and the baby’s father is Catholic.
I still don't really know what my style is. I like a lot of different kinds of comedy, I like watching it and I like being inventive and original. That's the problem with doing a longer set - you can't do every joke that you have because some stuff contradicts other stuff. Even when you know that the audience knows that you're joking and it's not true, you still can't do a joke about your family dying and then later talk about your Mom. I mean you want to keep some kind of cohesive order going.
There's no such thing as a feminist - just women who pay for their own breast implants.
It's interesting, once I have convinced people that, yes, I have a sister with a mental disability, the retard jokes really dry up, so I'm not sure how much retard humor is really going on out there, but I imagine there's a lot because it's a pretty safe group to make fun of. It's not like the Retards of America are gonna rise up and organize a protest. They're not gonna write letters. They only just recently got the Supreme Court to stop executing them.
Cocaine is yucky. I did it once: I was at a party; I was bored. I was like, 'Alright, I'll do a line.' Then I was just bored longer.
But it’s like guys are thinking, "I don't want to fuck her, what is she doing on my television?"
I grew up in a mixed religious household. And it was volatile. My dad’s atheist, my mom’s agnostic. Just constant fighting. "There’s no God!" "There might be!"
Another time we watched this morose, spiky-haired open miker do his entire set laying down on the stage. I guess it was his way of saying, "Fuck standup." From his supine position he mostly did dumb puns. After a couple of minutes my sister turned to me and threw her hands in the air, "I don't get it!"
Babies: they're not just for Puerto Ricans anymore.
Intellectually, I think everyone really knows that women are funny, but it’s a weird thing that people keep trotting out.
Well I grew up in Canada in a really small town. We didn't have running water for a long time and we didn't have TV. Then when we did get TV we only had one channel.