I've been trying to quit smoking weed and it's really hard quitting pot. It was actually easier to become a vegetarian because your friends never show up at your house with a sack of beef.
Is it weird that when your wife’s giving you oral sex, that you go "We're going to make a mouth baby!"
If you are sitting here tonight or at home, and you're thinking, 'Hey, I'd like to get high with the dude that's been on TV all the time, outside of a comedy venue, like in a parking lot or a park of some sort.' Then that is an achievable goal. You can seriously make that shit happen. All you need is two things: to ask me and have weed.