Chelsea Handler


I went out with a guy the other night. He goes, “You know, Chelsea, you don’t have to drink to make yourself more fun to be around.” I’m like, “Listen, fucknut, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”

First of all, i’m not an actor - I’m an asshole.

If someone took the ‘F’ letter off me, I’d be ucked.

If your name is ‘Christina’ and you spell it ‘Xtina’, there’s a 99% chance you’ve given your stepdad a blowjob.

Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn’t mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe.

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