Chelsea Handler

Quotes

First of all, i’m not an actor - I’m an asshole.

I went out with a guy the other night. He goes, “You know, Chelsea, you don’t have to drink to make yourself more fun to be around.” I’m like, “Listen, fucknut, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”

Everyone is coming from a place of fear and my feeling is stop being so afraid. If something doesn’t work then that’s fine at least then you know it doesn’t work. Don’t worry so much about it not working, you can always fix that.

You don’t mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don’t want to be inside of.

It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are 'taking a break.' Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado.

All quotes and jokes