I recently had sex with a midget. Not on purpose - he was a tricky little fucker. He kept giving me shot after shot after shot of tequila and would keep getting taller and taller and taller.
Quotes and Jokes by Chelsea Handler
Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 258)
How do you think jail was?! I got face raped by a woman... and I think I may have liked it.
I would like to wear a diaper on days where I'm feeling lazy but... I don't. I shit my pants.
All he ever talked about was threesomes. He's all like, 'Chelsea, you're really gonna like it. It's really popular in Europe.' I'm like, 'So is David Hasselhoff.'
I met my first midget in Mexico, and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head, filled with chips and salsa. Like I was gonna let that guy get away - I don't think so.
Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' - always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.
Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq.
Not everyone in school needs to look like a slut but there should always be one... and I enjoyed being her.
Who hasn't taken birth control pills to treat menstrual cramps? That's like me going to give a blowjob for menstrual cramps.
I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I don't see why I wouldn't. I'm fair game, its not like I'm that picky, you've seen the guys I've dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!
Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.
Angelina Jolie’s older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it’s not that weird. After all, he could be the father.
Listen, Dim Sum, you little fuck fuck, I didn't pay a hundred dollars for a fucking towel rub.
Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.
I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.