Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler

265 quotes

I recently had sex with a midget. Not on purpose - he was a tricky little fucker. He kept giving me shot after shot after shot of tequila and would keep getting taller and taller and taller.

How do you think jail was?! I got face raped by a woman... and I think I may have liked it.

All he ever talked about was threesomes. He's all like, 'Chelsea, you're really gonna like it. It's really popular in Europe.' I'm like, 'So is David Hasselhoff.'

I would like to wear a diaper on days where I'm feeling lazy but... I don't. I shit my pants.

Amy Winehouse’s mother wrote an open letter to the News of the World newspaper telling Amy she’s worried about her and to please call her. I doubt this is the best way to communicate with Amy - she should try spelling it out in lines of cocaine.

Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?

If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I met my first midget in Mexico, and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head, filled with chips and salsa. Like I was gonna let that guy get away - I don't think so.

He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.

You just be honest about who you are, and if you don’t end up with any friends then good for you.

I've found that many of the people who have a passion for karaoke too often have misplaced confidence, which can become aggressive and border on sadistic. I know my limits, and karaoke is where I draw the line. I wouldn't put anyone through the hell of listening to me sing a song, and I sure as shit wouldn't wait in line to do it.

My question is - after you've been arrested three or four times, who calls up their friends and goes, 'Hey! Let's get an eight-ball, let's get a bag of weed, let's get a gun, let's get a six-pack and - fuck it - I'll drive!'

Not everyone in school needs to look like a slut but there should always be one... and I enjoyed being her.

People are always like, "Oh, she's such a bitch." I'm like, "Yeah, I am a bitch, actually."