Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler

265 quotes

How do you think jail was?! I got face raped by a woman... and I think I may have liked it.

I recently had sex with a midget. Not on purpose - he was a tricky little fucker. He kept giving me shot after shot after shot of tequila and would keep getting taller and taller and taller.

I would like to wear a diaper on days where I'm feeling lazy but... I don't. I shit my pants.

My question is - after you've been arrested three or four times, who calls up their friends and goes, 'Hey! Let's get an eight-ball, let's get a bag of weed, let's get a gun, let's get a six-pack and - fuck it - I'll drive!'

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

Amy Winehouse’s mother wrote an open letter to the News of the World newspaper telling Amy she’s worried about her and to please call her. I doubt this is the best way to communicate with Amy - she should try spelling it out in lines of cocaine.

I don't think the problem is telling people you're on a diet. The problem is eating ice cream for breakfast.

I met my first midget in Mexico, and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head, filled with chips and salsa. Like I was gonna let that guy get away - I don't think so.

I've found that many of the people who have a passion for karaoke too often have misplaced confidence, which can become aggressive and border on sadistic. I know my limits, and karaoke is where I draw the line. I wouldn't put anyone through the hell of listening to me sing a song, and I sure as shit wouldn't wait in line to do it.

People are always like, "Oh, she's such a bitch." I'm like, "Yeah, I am a bitch, actually."

According to Life & Style, Lance Armstrong was seen canoodling with fitness model Kim Strother, and the night before, he was with Ashley Olsen. He’s going from bar to bar picking up women - how does he get them home? Does he put them on the handlebars, or does he have a banana seat?

Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to serve 48 days in jail for his DUI convictions. That’s 245 months in Jack Bauer years.

For the first two seasons, Dr. Phil had everyone believing he wasn't an egotistical jackass.

Not everyone in school needs to look like a slut but there should always be one... and I enjoyed being her.

You just be honest about who you are, and if you don’t end up with any friends then good for you.