Dana Gould


One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.'

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.

If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?

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