Dana Gould


The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.

Alien abductions. I don't believe in them because it's always the same circumstances, the same type of people, the same situations. It's never a black guy; it's never a Hispanic guy; it's never a physicist from the Netherlands - it's always some dumb white fuck in the middle of nowhere.

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