Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould

294 quotes

You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.

Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years...

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

They only seem to be talking to themselves. What if they're not? What if they're actually synchronized? What if for every guy walking by himself going, 'Nobody tells a navy man when he's had enough to drink 'cause only a navy man knows when he's had enough to drink,' maybe there's another guy, 30 miles away, walking by himself going, 'Shut up! You weren't in the navy. Kiss my butt. I don't need this.'

If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.

I live in Los Angeles. It’s a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: "Hey, is that real fur?" "Of course not! That's sick!"

If you encounter someone who pronounces the "t" in "often", odds are they're a douchebag.

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? "Hey you look... great?"

If you watch porn while listening to banjo music, everyone on screen seems related.

Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words "common sense".

I've never made the connection between physical pain and sexual arousal, because when we were kids my dad used to kick the shit out of us and if he saw you getting a boner - game over.

Life imitates art but art intimidates life.