Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould

294 quotes

You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.

Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.

I live in Los Angeles. It’s a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: "Hey, is that real fur?" "Of course not! That's sick!"

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words "common sense".

If you encounter someone who pronounces the "t" in "often", odds are they're a douchebag.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

Life imitates art but art intimidates life.

If you watch porn while listening to banjo music, everyone on screen seems related.

Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.

Suspicious Suicide Note: "Dear world, you're probably wondering why I tied my hands behind my back and sawed my head off..."

What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.

A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.