Quotes and Jokes by Dana Gould

Dana John Gould is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer and voice artist who has been featured on HBO, Showtime, and Comedy Central.

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 294)

#1

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

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#2

You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.

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#3

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

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#4

Suspicious Suicide Note: "Dear world, you're probably wondering why I tied my hands behind my back and sawed my head off..."

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#5

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right.

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#6

I got some pills and they were awesome - I took them for a long time. And my New Age-y friends would go ‘you know, you’re still feeling your anxiety, you’re just masking it with medication.’ And I said ‘Yes! It’s what it says on the label of the fucking pill! You know, in the winter I still feel the cold, I just mask it with a coat. What is your addiction to suffering?’

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#7

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

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#8

They only seem to be talking to themselves. What if they're not? What if they're actually synchronized? What if for every guy walking by himself going, 'Nobody tells a navy man when he's had enough to drink 'cause only a navy man knows when he's had enough to drink,' maybe there's another guy, 30 miles away, walking by himself going, 'Shut up! You weren't in the navy. Kiss my butt. I don't need this.'

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#9

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

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#10

Whoever coined the phrase, "killing two birds with one stone," not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

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#11

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.

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#12

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

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#13

The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, "it's so full of dreams." Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.

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#14

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

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#15

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

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