Daniel Tosh

Quotes

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake...We have shows like Extreme Make-Over: "I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it."

I’m not very good with people. Even when I was little, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. And I’d be like, “I guess we’ll meet up later.” And he’d be like, “Whatever, queer.”

Girls in Los Angeles like to say, “I’m not relgious, but I’m spiritual.” I like to reply, “I’m not honest, but you’re interesting.”

When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken.

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

All quotes and jokes