Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh

235 quotes

“Money doesn’t buy happiness.” Uh, do you live in America? ‘Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can’t!

Anal sex is a lot like spinach: if you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.

"There’s no excuse for domestic violence." It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten country of ours? What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids - she’s about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? "Unfortunately no, there’s no excuse. You’re going to have to let her drown that third one."

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work.

You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"

People always say I couldn’t live in California cause they love seasons too much, yeah I do too that’s why I live in a place that skips the shitty ones.

Women can do anything men can do… except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making decisions, being tall, taking out the garbage, tipping, fishing, being funny on purpose, reading a map, listening to good bands, writing, running the country, inventing anything important, or being fun to hang out with. Don’t get me wrong, I love women, I just think they should drink from a separate water fountain.

We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk? Why don't people talk about that?

I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Well, a few minutes later, I was on a plane and this little kid was kicking my seat repeatedly, while his sister sang along with her walkman and their mother just sat there. I almost turned around and went off, and then I caught sight of my bracelet. What would Jesus do? So I lit them on fire and sent them all to Hell.

I think we should legalize marijuana in this country… so potheads don’t have anything to talk about anymore. Grow up and do coke like an adult!

I heart abortion. Where’s the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won’t be a normal heart. It’ll be a dead infant heart. Y’know what the back will say? Problem Solved.

Oh, San Francisco! My 3rd favorite place to do comedy in. That's not bad, right? Top ten. More butt-fucking per square foot than any other place in the world, that's you guys. Put that on your postcards. "San Fransisco: More butt-fucking per square foot. Miss you."

I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.

I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place? Are you out of your mind? Swimming - you mean that thing you instinctively do before you die?

You ever hear this expression? The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work. Uh, I'll call B.S. I've watched the deadliest catch on Discovery. I've never once been at work, capsized in a 40 degree water, watched all my co-workers die, and be like, "Hey, at least we're fishin'."