Dave Attell

Quotes

Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.

You gotta make your own fun (Audience member cheers). That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.

If I need directions, I’m not asking a man with one tooth. I’m asking a man with one leg. Because he definitely knows the easiest way to get there.

All quotes and jokes