Eggnog, who thought that one up? “I wanna get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes.” You know what eggnog really is. You’re not gonna want to hear it, but I’ll tell ya. It’s elf cum. You might as well pour it down your back and slap your self on the ass.
Quotes and Jokes by Dave Attell
Top 15 Quotes (out of 121)
If I need directions I'm not asking a man with one tooth, I'm asking a man with one leg. Cause he definitely knows the easiest way to get there. Yup, if there's a shortcut that one legged fucker knows where it is. You won't be hoppin fences neither.
I was in Dayton, Ohio. You ever been there? Ya? You know what’s a fun thing to do there? Pack up and get the fuck outta there. It’s boring. During the day we played the game of horseshoes. That game must have been invented before fun, ‘cause it’s not. There’s only two ways for that game to end, either "This sucks let’s do something else," or "Owww, you hit me with the horseshoe."
They have a luggage store at the airport? I mean, how late do you have to be running? Don't worry honey just grab a pile of shit... we'll get a bag at the airport!
The other night I had the lonely bug so I went to this bar. I saw this beautiful girl there. I'm thinking, "She's alone, I'm alone. Why not annoy the shit out of her?" So I walk over, I'm walking, I'm wearing clogs. And I notice she has a black eye, she has a shiner. I'm thinking, "Great. She doesn't listen." So two McNuggets, three beers, and 50 dollars later we're back at my house doing it doggy style. Not that I planned on it, that’s just how she passed out. Thank you slow gas leak.
Amish Sex - Oh Jebediah, give it to me you Abraham Lincoln lookin' motherfucker.
You're thinking I'm homophobic; I hear it all the time. "Dave, you’re probably gay." "What?" "Well, you talk about being gay so you probably are gay! You probably secretly want to have sex with another man!" And I say, "Listen, Voice In My Head… I do not."” "How do you know you wouldn't like it? How do you know you wouldn't love it?" I know I wouldn't like it or love it, because one time… during a terrible gardening accident, I sat on a cucumber… 3 times.
I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.
There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you’re looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.
I think pot should be legal, I do. I also think if your cousin is super-hot, you should be able to fuck one time.
Ever make fun of someone so much that you feel you should thank them for all the good times? I've got a midget friend, an albino friend, and another friend who thinks "Lord of the Rings" is real. Together we call ourselves "the Unfuckables."
Every man wonders about the size of their penis. Laying in bed alone at night, or in a hammock with a parrot. You start thinking, "Do I have a small penis or just gigantic balls?"
So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
If you see a man running down the street cock-flapping, you run with that man. 'Cause there is some scary shit coming the other way.