David Letterman

Quotes

I have a dog, a lovely animal… I’m feeding him dog food that’s numbered. I’m not sure what it is, but they got it for everything. One for puppy, two for the middle dog, three for the gay dog, four for the whatever. On up. I’m looking at the can and it says on there “for the dog that suffers constipated.” The way I look at it, if you’re dog is constipated, why mess with a good thing.

Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I'm wondering what she did before.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.

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