David Letterman

Quotes

I have a dog, a lovely animal… I’m feeding him dog food that’s numbered. I’m not sure what it is, but they got it for everything. One for puppy, two for the middle dog, three for the gay dog, four for the whatever. On up. I’m looking at the can and it says on there “for the dog that suffers constipated.” The way I look at it, if you’re dog is constipated, why mess with a good thing.

Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.

All quotes and jokes