Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman

181 quotes

I wouldn't give your troubles to a monkey on a rock.

The weather's so cold in New York right now. And when I walked through Central Park this morning, I saw a squirrel warming up his nuts!

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

We can all sleep easy at night knowing that somewhere at any given time, the Foo Fighters are out there fighting Foo.

There is no off position on the genius switch.

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."

Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Fine art and pizza delivery - being a talk-show host falls neatly in between.

Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

Life experience is the best teacher.

Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn't tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to do.

Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.