Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman

181 quotes

I'm an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.

There is no off position on the genius switch.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.

I wouldn't give your troubles to a monkey on a rock.

Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.

Life experience is the best teacher.

Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The weather's so cold in New York right now. And when I walked through Central Park this morning, I saw a squirrel warming up his nuts!

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

It turns out I was duped. I have no-one to blame but myself and boy is my face red... Now I need to apologise to the Lindsay Lohan family. I hope I didn't embarrass you and your family.

We can all sleep easy at night knowing that somewhere at any given time, the Foo Fighters are out there fighting Foo.

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."

If I can be serious now, and I have the feeling I can.