Quotes and Jokes by David Letterman

David Michael Letterman is an American television host, comedian, writer, and producer. He hosted late night television talk shows for 33 years, beginning with the February 1, 1982, debut of Late Night with David Letterman on NBC, and ending with the May 20, 2015, broadcast of Late Show with David Letterman on CBS.

Top 15 Quotes (out of 180)


United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.


I wouldn't give your troubles to a monkey on a rock.


We can all sleep easy at night knowing that somewhere at any given time, the Foo Fighters are out there fighting Foo.


The weather's so cold in New York right now. And when I walked through Central Park this morning, I saw a squirrel warming up his nuts!


Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.


Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."


You got yourself a butt sniffing monkey.


I got my lips chewed off by a dingo!


Life experience is the best teacher.


Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.


Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.


Charlton Heston admitted he had a drinking problem, and I said to myself, "Thank God this guy doesn't own any guns!"


There is no off position on the genius switch.


There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.


You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il.