Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman

181 quotes

We can all sleep easy at night knowing that somewhere at any given time, the Foo Fighters are out there fighting Foo.

I wouldn't give your troubles to a monkey on a rock.

The weather's so cold in New York right now. And when I walked through Central Park this morning, I saw a squirrel warming up his nuts!

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

There is no off position on the genius switch.

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.

Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.

Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.

Life experience is the best teacher.

Fine art and pizza delivery - being a talk-show host falls neatly in between.

Let's see what's going on over in Iraq. A Burger King has opened up and prostitutes are back on the street of Baghdad after 20 years. Fast food and hookers - they are truly living the American Dream.

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.