Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman

181 quotes

I wouldn't give your troubles to a monkey on a rock.

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

There is no off position on the genius switch.

Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.

The weather's so cold in New York right now. And when I walked through Central Park this morning, I saw a squirrel warming up his nuts!

I'm an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.

Fine art and pizza delivery - being a talk-show host falls neatly in between.

Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.

Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."

Life experience is the best teacher.

I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you're not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms.

But there are some nice aspects during the transition period. For example, the Bush twins gave the Obama girls a tour of the White House. It was very sweet, but the Obama girls got really scared because they heard creepy organ music coming from Cheney's underground lair.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.