Doug Stanhope

Quotes

My act’s not for everyone. I get on stage, I feel like I’m leading you into battle. You’re not all going to be here at the end.

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!

The Internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.

(on people who join the military) As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.

All quotes and jokes
Profile was viewed 1479 times