Doug Stanhope


My act’s not for everyone. I get on stage, I feel like I’m leading you into battle. You’re not all going to be here at the end.

[in regards to the subway breakfast sandwich not being available after 11AM] I'll go "Uh, hey man, uh gimme an egg and cheese", and the kid will say, "I'm sorry sir, it's after 11, we put all that stuff, away. You didn't put it's in the second green cabinet, it's right there. This place is as big as a photo-mat, there is no "away" in the building, you don't own "away". There's no Brink's truck that pulls up at 11:02 and yanks out the eggs under armed guard.

People hate people just cause they want someone different to hate.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

The Internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.

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